Truth be told, whenever I see an article come along on my newsfeed dealing with marriage or families, I typically tune out. It’s not that I hate my family—far from it. I just know if I go to this article, even if everything is reasonable and thought out, there is a large chance that the comments section will be gehenna on earth. Plus, no matter what anyone says, it’s nearly impossible not to read the comments. It’s a black hole that continually sucks you in…. There is truly no escape.
So it is with the greatest irony that I write an article about marriage and my family. Now, to be fair, I’m not a famous mommy/Patheos blogger, which means one of two things:
- This post is not going to go viral.
- Because this post is not going going to go viral, the comments section will be either a) nonexistent or b) incredibly tame.
Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way. . .
Being married for two years and being a dad for nearly a year has been eye-opening in more ways than one. When I met my wife, I didn’t have a whole lot going for my life. I had just moved home from college (transferred to the online program), broken up with my long-distance girlfriend, and was struggling to find a job. Most of my time was spent playing Playstation 3 and reading N.T. Wright (AKA best use of my time ever). All of this means: when I met her, I realized I had a lot to change.
Within about two months, I found a new job, signed a lease on an apartment with a friend, and started to re-arrange my schedule around someone else’s needs than my own. This isn’t to say I lost my identity: I still played video games. I still read theology books. But now, instead of looking at what I wanted to do, I was able to incorporate someone else into the picture, and I am better for it.
Fast forward three years, and this is only amplified to the nth degree. While the past few weeks have been a bit rough and inconsistent (curse you, whole30!), my days typically consist of:
- waking up in the morning for school reading
- Full day of work
- Helping with dinner/meal prep
- Watching Jasper so Mallory can have some alone time at the gym
- Then going to the gym when she gets home
If I had my say, there would be more time for re-watching Person of Interest, reading for my classes when it isn’t 5 in the morning (or 11 at night), and binge watching Star Wars: The Clone Wars. Alas, it isn’t about what I want individually. It’s about the family unit as a whole: husband, wife, and son.
And this is where it hit me: God is calling my family to look like him. Not only in the sense of being selfless and cruciform, which is important, but more to the core of who He is: Trinitarian.
Obligatory disclaimer: I am not an expert on marriage, the Trinity, or blogging. Proceed at your own risk.
The thought came to mind as I was driving home from the gym, reflecting on Adam Johnson’s book, Atonement: A Guide for the Perplexed. Time and time again, I hear people talk about how penal substitutionary atonement theory is unbiblical because it presents an idea of God that is monstrous and capricious. While this is a completely separate blog article on its own (and it’s coming), the point remains that if someone is presenting God working against Jesus, as if Jesus’ will is contra the Father’s, then yes, this is unbiblical. And this is the point: on the cross, we see (per Johnson) God willing the crucifixion, Jesus willing to be crucified, and the Spirit accompanying and empowering the sacrifice.
Yet the beauty in this is that even though there are three different roles, they are still completely united in one “being;” that is, God.
I’m a horribly selfish person.
When I don’t do something around the house and Mallory calls me out on my crap, I tend to shuffle the blame. I say, “Well, I was going to do that, but…” or I’ll try to deflect and say the way she is talking to me is making me feel uncomfortable. At times we both talk to each other in unhelpful ways, sure, but at the end of the day, I’m just good at deflecting. I used to do this a lot at work with my old boss (he was great at making me feel incredibly insignificant), and I’ve found myself bringing it home. So I’ve realized: no, I need to simply take what she’s saying, acknowledge it, and fix it.
When I deflect, when I am more worried about not being “wrong,” I am not being unified as a family unit. We are not working together towards the same goal.
I also have a tendency to make her feel bad when she wants me to take Jasper for a bit so she can have a minute to breathe. Granted, in the past this was harder because he really only wanted to be with her (seriously, this kid is a momma’s boy, in the best way possible), but whenever she would try to hand him over, I would make excuses like, “Babe, I need to do homework right now” or I would all of a sudden try to find something to do around the house.
Like my deflections, I was more worried about suiting my own needs than seeing what was best for all three of us. I was, in reality, pitting myself against her for my own gain, my own will.
Over the past year, I’ve seen a lot of people go through divorces. Some for understandable reasons, some for selfish reasons… All of them heartbreaking. While it’s been easy for me to look at the situations in judgment, as if I’m capable of knowing every detail and heart posture, I’ve come to realize the decisions many of these people are making, and I’m just as capable of doing the same. There is no reason for me to sit in a place of superiority when I am just as much of a sinner as the next person.
However, I’m starting to wonder if the reason our marriages fail is because of not understanding what it means to function as a family. Don’t get me wrong—I think Hauerwas is right when he says we don’t marry the “right” person, that if we continually long for the person we thought we once knew, we are missing the point. But I also think a huge part of the problem is we forget what it means to be truly selfless, to love cruciformly. It’s not enough to buy your spouse plants and wine (although my wife does love these), nor is it enough to never “cheat,” as if abstaining from physical adultery is sufficient.
Rather, it’s about working together towards the same goal: having a unity of being and will. Knowing that the person you are married to deserves your time, support, and unconditional love. Understanding that you won’t always agree, but that your compassion and love towards one another should cover every transgression and hurt. Recognizing how to be unified but still having our own identities and roles, and learning how to complement the other. If we spend our time finding offense and, in essence, are pitted against each other (Father against the Son), and if we know what love is because of the cross… Then it’s no wonder why our marriages look so battered and bruised in the end.
I know I’m only two years in. We still have several great decades ahead of us. I just wish I would have understood this sooner. Maybe seminary really isn’t the devil’s playground after after all.